Aggressive Mediocrity · Los Angeles Ludicrousness · Uncategorized

Seven Tips to Avoid Wanting to Eat Glass for Breakfast in Your Mid-Twenties


As a Midwest transplant having lived in Los Angeles for a wildly lengthy four months, I’ve garnered a few tidbits of wisdom. First and foremost, I would equate traffic to being set on fire on a daily basis. You will never get used to it, and anyone who says so should be punched in the sternum. Second, adulthood blows. But with my extensive twenty-four years of experience combined with my arsenal of newfound Los Angeles ingenuity, I’m here to make things blow just a little bit less. So, sit back and relax, my sweet kittens. I’ve got you covered.


Seven Tips to Avoid Wanting to Eat Glass for Breakfast in Your Mid-Twenties

  1. Find your people.

I don’t care how, I don’t care where. You need a good group of girls you can bitch to about Too-Much-Tongue Tim and Just-The-Tip Jerry. And if there’s one thing this world needs, it’s more badass Girl Alliances. And maybe a female version of the term “bromance.” Gal-liance? Let’s work on it. 

  1. Not everyone’s going to like you. Deal with it.

This one’s quite the figurative pill for many of us to figuratively swallow. But whether it’s your boss’s wife or the cashier at 7-Eleven, some people just aren’t going to be your biggest fans. Get over it. Do not waste your time trying to convert them. Even if you do get your morning coffee there lit’rally every day. Without fail. And always flash your brightest smile with the utmost unwavering love spilling from your blackened heart. Whatever, it’s fine.

  1. Ditch the FOMO

If you don’t feel like going out on a Friday night, don’t. And if you really need an excuse, say it violates the beliefs of your people…. the creators of TLC’s Friday Bride Day. It’s called Say Yes to the Dress, people. Educate yourself.

  1. Sign up for a fitness class.

Endorphins, happiness…butterflies and rainbows, whatever. Maybe you go, maybe you don’t. It’s the thought that counts.

  1. Use Protection

Herpes kills, ladies. Not really, but I’m sure it’s a bitch. And don’t rely on the pull-and-pray. You don’t want a spawn from the one-night-stand on former Lax Bro turned Goldman Bastard’s futon. And, really, neither do we.

  1. You can never go wrong with the modern classics: Genie in a Bottle, No Scrubs, MMMBop, or anything by the Backstreet Boys.

And can we all just pump the brakes on the Miley bashing? Whether you dig her new persona or not, she is still the same girl who gave us the magical wonderment that is Party in the USA. Show some respect. Christ.

  1. If you’re going to send a naked picture, double (and triple and quadruple) check your recipient.

For the love of Ryan Gosling, just trust me on this one.

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