Aggressive Mediocrity

Seven Basic Bitch Behaviors That Must Be Stopped

1. The Mirror Selfie

Repeat after me. Self-timer. Timer of self. Self-timer. I do not care what your bathroom looks like, nor do I ever care to know. If you’re gonna selfie, put in some effort. Christ.

2. The Selfie Combined with an Irrelevant Quote and/or Bible Verse

Oh, does this baby get me going. You can’t have rainbows without a little rain, so here’s a picture of me leaning pensively against the window of my car. What an inspiration. A modern-day Gandhi you are.

3. Live, Laugh, Love

I swear to Blake Griffin, if I see this cliched phrase on one more Instagram profile, I will lose the last of my marbles.

4. The Constant Mean Girls Quotes

It’s a classic flick. We all loved it. Throw in a “fetch” every once in a blue moon, but the army pants and flip flops shit has to go. Grow up, guys.

5. Juice Cleanses

Just trust me on this one.

6. The Autumn-Gasm

Oh, dear god, Fall. It’s not so much a season as it is a way of life, am I right, ladies? Everyone click your Uggs together three times and say, “Pumpkin!”


Fall is a season. It gets colder. Leaves change colors. The end.

7. The Flower Crown

Untitled Diagram



And a few that can stay:

1. The Skinny Arm

In the lifelong battle against arm fat, we need all the weaponry we can afford. Sacrifices must be made. It’s for the greater good.

2. The Bachelor(ette)

If watching people’s hearts break over a human they’ve known for six minutes doesn’t get your motor running, then tell me what will. This is America’s show. And it is a goddamn beauty.

3. Your Skinny Pink Latte McMocha Light Cappuccino

Personally, I match my coffee to my soul: black and unfeeling. But you do you, kid.

2 thoughts on “Seven Basic Bitch Behaviors That Must Be Stopped

  1. LOVED this!!!!! If you take selfies in your bathroom or car, I will judge you and have no shame in it.


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