Aggressive Mediocrity · Athleticism

NBA Finals: The Fantasy Five

The NBA Finals are upon us. In a positively stunning twist of events, we find ourselves at the forefront of a championship series rematch between the Cleveland Cavaliers and Golden State Warriors. Now, ESPN does a fantastic job of covering the various ins and outs of the series. However, they’re missing one key element. And that’s where I come in. So, here it is, ladies and gentlemen—your fantasy starting lineup of the hottest men of the 2016 NBA Finals. Enjoy.


Point Guard- Steph Curry

The man. The myth. The legend. The beauty. He’s the MVP of the league and for good reason. This man’s shot is the Candice Swanepoel of basketball—downright perfection, people. And the eyes. My god, the eyes. His peepers pierce the hearts of women nationwide. And, trust me, we don’t mind a bit.


Shooting Guard- Klay Thompson

Despite the terribly unnecessary use of a “K,” young KT recently threw up 11 threes in game six of the Western Conference Finals. If that’s not enough to get things a little damp, then you better check your damn pulse. The incomparable visual combination of Steph and Klay could irrigate the field of many a woman.


Small Forward- LeBron James

Would this list realistically be complete without the King himself? Probably. But with the resurgence of LeBron’s hairline, we must give credit where credit is due. Hard work pays off. And his barber has been toiling for some time. Hats off to him. And hats off to James. Literally.


Power Forward- Draymond Green

Oh, does it pain me to do this. My good god. The pain is true. The pain is real. Not only did Green attend the atrocity of an institution that is Michigan State University but his egotistical media personality is enough to make me want to fall on a sword. He remembers the names of each of the thirty-four players drafted ahead of him and has made sure the entire country is aware of it. What a guy. But facts are facts. Green is pretty smokin’.


Center- Kevin Love

For the love of Jesus H. Christ is this man a stunner. Formerly a bit of a chunker, Love has recently transformed from a pudgy caterpillar into a sensationally ripped, positively exquisite butterfly. I could write sonnets about this man. Of all the men in this lineup, I would by far be most tickled to make his face my newest chair.



Bonus- Sixth Man: Matthew Dellavedova

Ah, the white man’s idol. This Aussie gives hope to Caucasian lads across the country aiming to one day achieve relative mediocrity in the realm of professional athletics. Voted the “dirtiest player in the NBA” this year by many of his fellow peers, Matt is not afraid to get down and rumble. Unfortunately, due to his recent devastating bouts of cramping, along with his backend position in a nine-man rotation, we’re not likely to see a lot of this sassy man from down under. And in the words of Nirvana, ain’t it a shame?


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