Aggressive Mediocrity

Eight Irrefutable Signs He’s Not The One

  1. If he doesn’t excite you more than the carpool lane

Picture it. 5:30pm on the 405. You’ve never seen so many vehicles in your life. Bumper to bumper doesn’t even begin to explain this kind of traffic. You’re nearing tears. Then, out of the abyss, you spot the asphalt oasis. The leftmost lane. The Chosen One. And you have a passenger. Oh, blessed day!

If your man doesn’t get your gears turning faster than that beautiful HOV, it’s time to pump the brakes.

  1. If he doesn’t like animals

Killing animals is a classic warning sign of a potential serial killer. Not loving precious little puppersons is basically the same thing. Oh, you’re allergic? Pop a Zyrtec, Ted Bundy.

  1. If he doesn’t have friends

We see this time and again on our beloved American classic, The Bachelor. “I’m not here to make friends.” Well, tough luck, champ, you’re gonna need some. And it’s hard to make friends when you suck. We’re talking major speed bump. Drive around it, babe.

  1. If he takes mirror selfies

We’ve been over this one, but something this egregious simply cannot be overstated. They say if you break a mirror, you’ll have bad luck for seven years. Date a guy who takes mirror selfies, and you’re down for a lifetime, kid.

  1. If he doesn’t use his blinker

Another telltale sign of a future serial killer. There’s absolutely no research of any kind to support this claim, but I’m about 83% sure on this.

  1. If children don’t like him

Kids get it. They just do. And if they think he’s a “turd,” I promise you: he’s a turd.

  1. If he doesn’t appreciate the significant difference between bottled pop versus fountain pop

A Diet Coke woman myself, I relish in the glory of my probably-carcinogenic-beverage in all of its forms. But let’s not beat around the carbonated bush. There’s nothing better than gas station, 7Eleven, McDonald’s fountain DC. Anyone who says otherwise clearly cannot appreciate true beauty and certainly doesn’t deserve to be graced by yours.

  1. If he says anything but “pop”

You people are monsters.

Here’s a picture of me and the closest thing I’ve come to The Perfect Man. He’s nine and a blood relative. Things are going well.

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