Aggressive Mediocrity

Seven Obscure Things To Be Thankful For Amidst The Atrociousness Of This Week

  1. Water Slides

When is the last time you slid down one of these brilliant contraptions? My most recent go-round was Friday. So, I can tell you from experience that these puppies are just as slamming as when you were five. I ask you; nay, I implore you to slide down a water slide as soon as the next opportunity arises. Because when playground and agua combine, it’s a thing of beauty.

  1. Open Bars

I know you’re thrilled about getting married. The idea of one person for the rest of my life at this point makes me want to shrivel up and die a bit, but to each her own. I support your decision—with one caveat. I go to wedding. You give me alcohol. It’s called a barter system. Learn yourself something.

  1. Nintendo 64’s Rainbow Road

Oh, glory be to the person who designed this divine track. Nintendo 64 Mario Kart will forever be revered as the greatest of all video games, and this majestic masterpiece helped it earn that coveted title. A neon pathway set against a black backdrop gave way to the most riveting racing adventure one could possibly experience. So, thank you, Rainbow Road. We wouldn’t be here without you.

  1. Cruise Control

Finally, the solution to a problem that gets many of our gears grinding: inconsistent speed. With a touch of a button or two, say goodbye to bouncing around the seventies along I-10. You can cruise at a solid 74 for hours. And there’s nothing I like more than one less thing to pay attention to while I drive.

  1. Nuggets- Both Chicken and Tiny Human

They don’t call it a Happy Meal for nothin’. No, chicken nuggets are indeed the booster of all mood boosters. There’s a saying I once made up that seems appropriate here: Age we may, but our love for chicken nuggets shan’t go away. And human nuggets, while inedible to the non-Dahmers amongst us, can be just as fulfilling. Roald Dahl once said that “those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” Kids find a lot of weird shit. Back in the day, my brother’s pockets used to double as houses for worms and grasshoppers. I used to collect whatever I deemed to be “cool” clumps of dirt. Like I said, kids find a lot of weird shit. But kids also find magic. They have yet to grow their Cynical Bones, and they imagine the world in a way we can’t. They create magic. They are magic. And I love that shit.

  1. The Orange Drink

Speaking of McDonald’s, let’s chat a little further. If there’s one thing I could tell my eight-year-old self, it would be this: enjoy that beautiful orange beverage. Enjoy it while you can. It doesn’t get any better than this. Yes, the grown-ups get their own set of rad drinks, but trust me. Nothing tastes as good as what you’re sipping on right now. Remember that. Cherish it.

  1. Kronk of The Emperor’s New Groove

“Pull the lever, Kronk. WRONG LEVER!”


See? Magic shit right here.

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