- Bye Weeks
Oh, Sweet Jesus, bye weeks. In many a football season, we dread the bye week, the loss of momentum. Saturday is the best day of the week for a reason—it’s gameday. But when you’re a 2-5 team under a coach whose face induces prolonged bouts of ire and vomit, gameday takes on a slightly different meaning. So, today, tomorrow, and, really, all days, we can be grateful that for one week of this positively surreal season we are spared the unspeakable trauma that is Notre Dame football.
- Nuggets. Always.
Speaking of Notre Dame Football, here’s a snippet of a telephone conversation I had with Nugget Boy following the Duke loss:
Nugget Boy: How are you holding up, Morgs?
Me: I’m dead inside.
Nugget Boy: More than the usual?
A morsel of the time I came to his baseball game after not having slept in over 24 hours:
Nugget Boy: Morgs, I love you, but I’m gonna be frank. You look like you got hit by a train. Like, maybe even twice.
And, finally, the time I asked him an imaginative question.
Me: Dane, if you could be any kind of dinosaur, what would you be?
Nugget Boy: A dead one because that’s my only realistic option.
Yes, I said it. I said it, I did. We live in a country where this shitshow of an election can take place. We live in a country where you can bitch and moan to your pretty little heart’s content about each and every flaw of either candidate on any and every social media platform you so desire. Do that somewhere else on this here globe, and your ass is getting shot. So amidst the horror that is this election year, we can at least nab that silver lining. Plus, we always have SNL. Kate McKinnon really nails that shit.
It rained on Monday. A simple sentence for most. A simple occurrence for most. But this is California over here. And there is nothing simple about rain. File it under “things the Californians just can’t do.” My god, the rain. Time stands still. Cars stand still. Life stands still. The people cannot do rain. At first sign of those gunmetal clouds, the preparations commence. The galoshes are unearthed from the trenches. Coats. Umbrellas. Goggles, full-body suits. And let’s not even get started on the driving. At first drop, the people panic. The once dry, innocuous asphalt transforms into the Mario Kart N64 Toad’s Turnpike of the West. It’s a battlefield out there. And it makes me positively rife with joy to watch these creatures navigate what they perceive to be “trying” conditions. Can you imagine these people in the snow? The very thought of it tickles my little black soul. Also, rain helps shit grow. And that’s good, I guess. Go team.
- My Mom
She sent me a Halloween basket in the mail. A Halloween basket. Other mothers, take a seat. Cyndi Smith for the win.