Aggressive Mediocrity

Eight Things I Learned In 2016

  1. Leggings Are Pants

Now, 2016 wasn’t necessarily the first year I made this discovery. Leggings have long been a staple on the Morgan Smith lower half. This was the year, though, that solidified my utmost commitment and allegiance to the undeniable fact that leggings are, in fact, pants. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve worn jeans in public this year. And I would probably only need two fingers. Because why wear that stiff denim when you can don a stretchy pair of elastic wonderwear? Not to mention the fact that they’re perfect for every occasion. Going to the gym? Leggings. Grocery store? Leggings. Funeral? Leggings. You’re welcome.

  1. Fitted Sheets Are The Excrement Of The Devil

I’d love to meet the man/woman responsible for the creation of this absolute atrocity. These Lucifer Linens are nearly impossible to put on one’s bed by oneself. And don’t get me started on the storage of your backups. Find me a person who can fold a fitted sheet. I dare you.

  1. You’re Only Supposed To Drive With One Foot

This should really explain a lot.

  1. Miracles Do Happen

Gather around, kids. Mama has a story for ya. Picture it: Thanksgiving Day 2016. The family is coasting down the asphalt paradise of the 405 headed towards Grandma Nation’s house for the annual feast. Being the person I am, I was not fully prepared aesthetically before the predetermined 2pm departure time. So, what’s a girl to do? Well, do her makeup in the car, of course. The outfit I had chosen included a white blouse, and, being the brilliant woman I am, I decided it best to bring the shirt along with me and wear a sports bra for the commute to Grandma’s in the interest of not sullying my white garment in the likely event of spilled makeup. The clan was in great spirits, listening to family classics, like Anthony Jeselnik’s most recent comedy special. As we turned into my sweet grandmother’s neighborhood, I placed the finishing touches on my mascara, turning to the backseat to locate the bag in which I placed my white shirt. And all was well. Except for the whole “I forgot the shirt at my apartment” thing. Chaos erupted. There I was. Hair done, makeup on. In jeans (the second time that year). And a sports bra. For Thanksgiving dinner. So, what’s a girl to do? Head to the nearest shop and grab the first shirt off the shelf, right? Nay, my friends. Nay. Because it was Thanksgiving. And everything was closed. Mission impossible was about to commence. The first stop was Target. Closed. JCPenney. Closed. Old Navy. Closed. Closed, closed, closed. As we dejectedly drove away from the Navy, I noticed a decent number of vehicles in a parking lot about 200 yards ahead. We approached. And then it happened. Out of the desert, an oasis made herself known. GS Love. The most superbly and wonderfully ghetto boutique I had ever encountered had opened its doors to save me from absolute disaster. I entered the Promised Land, the only white person for miles, feeling like a peasant unworthy of such an exquisite gift. I grabbed the first shirt I could find, lovingly embraced the cashier as I handed over $11.96, and the rest, my dear friends, is history. Miraculous, miraculous history.

  1. Anyone Can Become President

Like, literally anyone. The FedEx guy. A potato. Anyone.

  1. “Colder Weather” Is The Single Most Beautiful Piece Of Music Ever Composed

We didn’t need 2016 to tell us this. We’ve known this for years. But something so harrowingly breathtaking should be celebrated as often as humanly possible. This melodious tune could melt steel, end wars, cure cancer. So, let’s hear it for Zac Brown and his band. My god.

  1. People Suck

From ISIS to Nicolas Cage to slow left-lane drivers, if there’s one thing we can all agree on it’s that Mother of Sweet Jesus do a lot of people suck.

  1. People Don’t Suck

In my last post of 2016, I shared something more personal and raw than I’d ever shared before. I was more vulnerable and scared shitless than the first time I saw The Ring. And that Samara was one crazy bitch. But here’s the thing. Over 25,000 people read my story. 25,000. 25,000 people read what I had to say and loved me for it. And that was really fricken sweet. So, thank you. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for loving me. And thank you for showing me that people don’t always suck. In fact, they’re pretty damn beautiful.

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A sufficient summary of my 2016. Particularly the bottom right.

3 thoughts on “Eight Things I Learned In 2016

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