- Adulthood Is Not Everything, Kitten
I know you’re stoked about growing up and becoming a real human, but, pull up a seat and listen a pinch: it’s not what you think. Yes, you’re on your own. Yes, you can do whatever you want. But that’s the thing. You’re on your own. Mom and Dad aren’t down the hall anymore. You have to pay the bills. You have to Swiffer the floors (you don’t, but it would be nice in theory). You have to change the light bulbs (also something you might want to get on). And you can do whatever you want. Which means you have to decide what it is that you want. What’s best for you. You have to decide how much sleep to get, when to eat, what to eat. You choose who you want in your life, who you spend time with, who you want your family to be. Because you have to create a new one. That’s how this goes. And it’s kind of a lot—a bit overwhelming, we’ll say.
I’m not trying to scare you, but you need to know it’s not all unicorns and French fries. Sometimes shit sucks. Enjoy your youth, kid. Because adulthood isn’t everything.
- Adulthood Is Also The Shit
Along with adulthood comes a milieu of responsibilities and grievances, but it’s not without its spectacular merits, let me tell you what. You’re a big girl, and you’ve got the big kahunas now. What’s so great about this adulting, you say? Just as I mentioned before: YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. This goes far beyond R-rated movies and Powerball tickets. Past the purchase of a nice merlot and some Jose Cuervo. No, no, dear. This—this is so much more. You want to eat Lucky Charms for every meal six days in a row? Go for gold, kid! You’re an adult. Wanna stay up all night building a Lego fort you purchased on a whim at Target earlier that day in a shopping trip designated specifically and solely for the obtainment of detergent? Rock on! You’re an adult. Oh, you want to watch Grey’s Anatomy for 36 hours straight on your couch with nary a thought of putting on a pair of pants? Have at it! You’re an adult. (You’ve done all of these things, just for the record.) Run with the bulls! Jump off a cliff (maybe not)! You do you, boo! Adulthood is the shit.
- Drive With One Foot
Right now, upon starting up Chester (who, unfortunately, does not make it much longer, as you total him in an accident that couldn’t possibly be more your fault), you shift that boy into drive and use your right foot to accelerate. Upon coming to a stop, you use your left foot to pump the brakes. This is wrong. Use your right foot for both. I know this is a lot to take in. I know it sounds absurd to you. But ask around. Do some research. Facts are facts. Two pedals, one foot. This will save you many tickets, accidents, and a formally suspended license at 17. You are incredibly welcome.
- Your Boobs Don’t Get Any Bigger
I’ll let you take a moment.
- Your Wardrobe Has Not Improved
You continue to don that stellar combination of Leggings and a T-Shirt six out of seven days a week. Day seven you’re not even getting that far. Accept it. You’re no fashionista.
- You Still Struggle With Pretty Bad Depression
It’s gonna be a lifelong battle, champ. Pop your Prozac and keep truckin’.
- Brady Quinn’s NFL Career Isn’t Going To Happen
I know it seems impossible. How could such a strapping, ruggedly handsome young man perform with such beauty and grace at the world’s greatest university, yet flounder on the big stage? I can’t answer that for you, dear. Some birds aren’t meant to be caged—their feathers are just too bright. Also, he gets married and procreates with someone other than you. Let it go, sweetie. Let it go.
- Survivor Is Still On
No, I’m serious.
A photo of my best friend and me at 16 with a street sign that’s not currently in my living room
Are You Calling Me Fat? 