Aggressive Mediocrity · Athleticism

The Real First Round: Second Edition

Oh, say can you see? By an Autumn Sunday’s sweet light? That’s right, my sweet petunias. Football season is poking her beautiful head back around that athletic corner. While we may be a devastating four months away from the real deal, in a mere few hours, sweet salvation shall come. Yes, that’s right, cupcakes: it’s Draft Day. And while Mel Kiper, Jr. and Todd McShay sure do a fantabulous job of analyzing these young whippersnappers, it’s my turn to do some damage. Today, we’re shining that sweet Sunday light on a few men you won’t want to miss come Thursday. That’s right, we’re joining the Mock Draft Party, people. And it’s about to rock your pigskin world. So, pull up a chair, whip out your ogling goggles, and prepare yourself for the exquisite combination of beauty and athleticism in one.

  1. Quarterback- DeShone Kizer

Morgan, I’m shocked! Do I come in with a slight bias? Absotively. But I can certainly back up my claims here. With an arm of gold (and a platinum face) straight from the dome itself, this kid knows how to handle his balls. He can go deep with minimal effort and offers an agile quickness in the run game unexpected for such a substantial frame. In fact, you might even compare his intellect to Tom Brady, his body to Cameron Newton. Well, you might not, but he would. So, while humility may not be in the cards for young DK, his physical prowess combined with that unparalleled sex appeal place this Irish stunner at the top of our list.

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  1. Running Back- Christian McCaffrey

Hubba hubba zing zing. White men can’t jump—but, apparently, they can run. This Heisman trophy recipient absolutely dominated this year’s NFL combine, posting a 37.5-inch vertical and dashing 40 yards in a mere 4.48 seconds. This blue-eyed beauty boasts the NCAA record for most all-purpose yards with a whopping 3,864—and holds our tender, quivering hearts right along with it. He’s also a whopping 20-years-old, which doesn’t not make me feel like Mrs. Robinson, but we must persevere and give credit where credit is due. And, boy, Mr. McCaffrey is it due.

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  1. Wide Receiver- Under Construction

This is a first in the history of Morgan Mock Draftery. Today, we leave this spot blanker than Donald Trump’s frontal lobe for two reasons. The first of which is that I’m not particularly impressed by any one young lad in this year’s draft class. The second of which is sheer pettiness. I would like to make note that in most any other situation, I would allot this spot to JuJu Smith-Schuster of the shithole also known as the University of Southern California. Unfortunately, in light of his aforementioned institutional allegiance, his eligibility has been revoked. Amen.

  1. Tight End- O.J. Howard

Oh, does it pain me to acknowledge any product of Nick Saban’s dreadful existence. But this young kitten is a prototypical blend of size and athleticism. He’s easily one of the cleanest players of this year’s draft, both in terms of skills and character. Character. From Bama. Can you imagine? Media Analyst Bucky Brooks described him as “the most complete tight end prospect to enter the league in the past decade.” Packing it in at a fierce 6’6”, 251 pounds and touting a face of milk chocolate sweetness, this man is an absolute vision. Breaking ankles on the field, he’s sure to break a sea of hearts off of it.

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  1. Defensive End- T.J. Watt

Talk about a lineage. At 6’4” and 252 pounds, young TJ is the youngest of a familial brotherhood of three Big Boy Ballers. Let’s not act like we really care about Derek, though—it’s about double-J. This younger sibling of the budding Houston legend has been living in one hell of a Texan shadow. T.J. is a stud. And while he’s really only had one solid college season under his belt, there’s no need to worry about this badger. With 11.5 sacks in that aforementioned season, this elite Wisconsin pass rusher just may have the potential to out-Watt big JJ himself. It’s sure to be one hell of a ride.

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Honorable Mention: The Couch- Jabrill Peppers

Ah, Michigan. U of M. The Wolverines. Few things bring me greater joy than the exposition of the blemishes of this dreadful institution. And young Jabrill Peppers has done just that. With the drop (or stream, really) of a diluted test sample, he’s not only put a dent in the crest of Jimmy H’s precious Michigan football program, but he’s severely compromised his draft stock. What a move. No worries, though, JP. You’re still a number one pick on this draft. The position just happens to be on the couch—you know, the place you’ll be watching on Sundays.

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